“Stop the violence for our children”

It's a cold and windy day in Ōtautahi Christchurch, but as Jas opens the door to her colourful, tidy home, her warm hug and reassuring smile instantly chase the chill away.

Jas is a proud mum of eight and a grandmother of 14 mokopuna. The many pictures of her whānau on the wall make that clear, as does her caring, gentle, and playful nature with her youngest son, Tane, who approaches the table to grab some kai she has meticulously organised on the kitchen benchtop.

We feel instantly welcomed – the kettle’s ready to serve a cuppa, the kai is laid out and the conversation flows easily.

As we move to the large, cosy couch, a slightly shy and nervous Jas is ready to share something deeply personal – her journey through years of family violence.

Jas's strength runs in her whānau, but sadly, so have the cycles of intergenerational violence. Breaking free from these cycles is hard, but Jas is determined to stop them once and for all – her message is clear:

“We must put the women first and stop the violence – especially in front of tamariki,” she says with an assertive voice.

Jas’s exposure to violence started at a young age. Growing up in a small town near Christchurch, she witnessed family violence firsthand in her home, between her mum and her real dad.

For women who have experienced family violence, being exposed to it at a young age can influence how they perceive relationships. Violence might seem like normal behaviour, especially if they have not processed the trauma of witnessing violence growing up. Without positive male role models, this abusive behaviour might seem acceptable and can lead into the dark pattern of intergenerational violence.

At 15, Jas found herself in a relationship that mirrored those painful scenes she witnessed growing up. “I experienced family violence for the first time with my eldest kid’s dad. I hid it from my parents. I was young and dumb. My parents eventually kicked him out and then I found out I was pregnant. I was truly devastated when he left.”

Years later, Jas entered a new relationship with Tane’s father. She quickly found herself under coercive control - an act or pattern of actions of assault, manipulation, threats, humiliation, and abuse – a behaviour at the heart of family violence.

This kind of control makes it incredibly difficult for women to leave, as they become isolated and afraid of what the perpetrator will do next. Jas experienced the fear and helplessness that come with this control – she became a totally different person. It stripped away her drive and the strong sense of self she once had. She returned back to the relationship by his broken promises.

“He would say, ‘I am sorry, I won’t do it again.’ It was a cycle and I believed him.”

Perpetrators often behave nicely for a while, apologising for their abusive behaviours, promising to change – but then the cycle begins again. Sometimes, they control every aspect of a woman’s life so she can’t find help, leaving her fearing for her and her children’s lives.

“He would break my phone, laptop and everything around me so I couldn’t get help. I was so scared. He would gaslight me. He would lock me inside for a week, and he wouldn’t go to work, until I healed up. I would have to climb through the windows and scream to my neighbours for help.”

A turning point came while breastfeeding her baby and her ex-partner struck her in the face.

“I realised that if I didn’t leave, my baby would be next,” she says.

"I knew he would grab my baby off me and I wasn't going to let that happen.”

After this horrific incident, Jas put a Protection Order in place and later on, her son participated in the Barnardos’ Footsteps to Feeling Safe programme. This marked the beginning of their healing journey.

Tane found a safe space to process what he had seen, verbalise his emotions, and create a safety plan should he be caught in a future violent situation again.

Jas saw how this programme helped her son to express his experiences in a safe space, giving her hope for his future.

In turn, Jas joined the Women’s Safety programme – a life-changing course that provided her with a safe place to share her experiences and tools to support her safety and wellbeing.

At first, Jas was more reserved and unsure about sharing her story with the group.

"I felt shame, I was really embarrassed about what had happen to me. I was scared that people would think I’m a bad mum."

As she connected with other wāhine in the programme, she began to understand the cycle of violence and the shared experiences of coercive control, guilt, and victimisation. It took her some time to warm up, but once she did, she realised that what she had gone through was not her fault, she wasn’t alone, and that she did her best for her tamariki.

“I know I did what I could for my tamariki. I was naïve. If I could have protected them with what I know now, I would’ve spoken out earlier,” Jas says with passion.

The programme empowered her, helping her to reclaim her voice and sense of self.

“I never felt judged by Barnardos. It was the beginning of me opening about my experiences,” says Jas.

As she grew stronger, Jas and other wāhine in the course recognised the need for ongoing support. This led to the creation of the Barnardos Mana Wāhine Coffee Group, where women who have completed the programme come together to share their struggles and successes over kai and coffee. The group is more than just a meet-up, it’s a place of healing, encouragement, and community as the children can also attend and connect with other tamariki.

Within the Mana Wāhine Coffee Group, Jas has become a mother figure to many of the women, particularly a younger wāhine who has gravitated towards her for guidance and support. “We’ve all grown close. We all have our own stories, and we can come together and talk openly and freely without crying all the time. We can say, ‘that’s the past now’ and we’ve gone past it too.”

“This group has been great. We listen to one another and uplift each other. We are whānau, and it’s a safe space for women,” says Jas.

Jas remains a strong advocate for change outside of this group, starting with her own whānau. Three of her daughters have Protection Orders too, she motivates them to be the best possible parents and role models to their tamariki. She also works hard to ensure her youngest son, Tane, grows up understanding that violence is never acceptable.

“He gets flashbacks of me getting hidings, and I don’t want him to grow up thinking that’s okay. I want to prevent that cycle. I want my children to know the signs and steps to protect themselves. They deserve a better future.”

“Men need a lot of support too. They also have trauma and need help to get through it. It’s not just about courses, it’s about standing beside one another and helping them understand what they need to change. We need to work together.”

While Jas feels strong and supported now, she acknowledges that the road ahead is a long one. She’s still navigating the Family Court system with her ex-partner, a process that keeps the past alive in many ways.

“I feel awesome right now, but I also feel overwhelmed. It’s still really hard to move forward. But again, we can come together in the group and support each other.”

The days of Jas hiding behind her glasses and long sleeves to cover her pain is gone. Today, she stands as a powerful woman, advocating for others in similar situations. Her message to other women is powerful:

“Don’t be like me – get help early. There’s a community ready to support you, we can stop the violence for our children because our mokopuna are our future.”

If you are, or someone you know is, seeking support, call 111 in an emergency, or reach out to Are you OK? on 0800 456 450, Women’s Refuge on 0800 733 843, and Barnardos 0800 227 267.