Dear Diary,

11 May 2019

Living with an addict is hell. Every day, everyhour is so hard.

I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone.

I have no energy. Mentally, I’m drained.

There is so much unpredictability.

I never know what to expect.

I’m afraid of him. Though I still love him.

He’s my daughter’s dad.

But some days I wonder how long I can keep going like this…

16 October 2019

The toll of the constant emotional abuse. It’s exhausting. It’s frightening.

The emotional blackmail. The verbal abuse. The put downs.

I know it’s the drugs doing it, not him, but that doesn’t make it any easier.

I found his “gear”. The drugs and pipe. It was scary to see them in my house.

I took photos. I’m going to send them to the Police.

My dad says I need the evidence to support me in getting custody. I HATE thinking like this,

acting like this. I don’t want to do it, but deep down I know I need to. It’s the right thing to do.

I love my husband so much but I am so scared of him.

How can I be a good wife and mum if I am scared of my husband?

15 March 2021

I feel like I keep writing the same things over and over and over.

The broken promises.

The ‘sorry’

The ‘it won’t happen again’.

What can I do to fix this?

21 September 2021

I went to an agency for legal advice today. The people were kind but they were also honest. They said that because my abuse was “only” verbal it wouldn’t be classified as a high priority so I probably won’t get Legal Aid.

How bad does abuse need to be before it becomes a priority…?

4 December 2021

Today it took a turn. Today he physically grabbed me. It hurt. It wasn’t terrible but I knew in that moment that it could easily escalate. I need to stop this before it gets worse. I need to think of Aroha.

7 January 2022

CAN’T. DO. THIS. ANY. MORE.

15 April 2022

It’s taken me three years to end this, but…

I did it! He’s gone!!

I tried multiple times to end this misery I was experiencing but love got the better of me. They say on average it takes at least seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship – well it’s taken me much more than that!

There were so many promises to “make himself right”. So many times where he told me he would change. That he was sorry. That it wouldn’t happen again.

So many red flags.

His addiction has ruined our ‘Marriage’, and then it has impacted my relationship with my daughter. I couldn’t enjoy being a mum. The stress I was under, the pressure, the fear, all of that took my time away fromAroha. I have prioritised his problems over my daughter.

It was a built up process of continuous harm and continuous promises.

I have to stop looking at him and focus on Aroha who was so impacted by it all.

Do I want this for my daughter?

NO

I’ve made a decision for us.

22 May 2022

The decision to finally kick him out was easy compared to what I’m going through now that he’s gone.

The guilt. I feel so guilty. All the time. I have taken my baby away from her dad. I have left him to fend for himself when he has so many issues. I am stopping him from seeing his daughter.

My feelings of guilt are HUGE.

Processing my feelings while managing all the practical things about leaving is mentally and emotionally draining.

Could I have done more to make him stop taking drugs, to stop gambling? I was holding on to false hope for so long.

I was traumatised. There was so much harm.

Our family unit was broken.

But, I can’t dwell on those lost opportunities. I need to move forward.

He has gone. We are safe.

We’re going to be ok

10 August 2022

I can’t juggle work and Aroha at the same time. I need to find a place she can be looked after close to home or my office.

I really want her to be in a great early childhood centre where she’s safe, where she’ll learn, and where she is loved and cared for.

None of the places I’ve visited have been ‘right’.

Mum suggested I look at Barnardos in Mangere. She said that Barnardos has a really good reputation and a long history with our church.

She’s going with me tomorrow to have a look.

11 August 2022

Barnardos is perfect for Aroha!

She starts on Monday!

19 November 2022

He doesn’t live here but the issues haven’t gone away.

How can I make them go away?

3 February 2023

Aroha LOVES being at Barnardos in Mangere.

She loves going there every single time.

It took a while for her to settle in but now it is perfect for her.

I am so pleased my mum suggested I check it out.

22 July 2023

I think I should talk to someone about what’s going on. I’ve talked to whanau about all of this, they have been an amazing support, but sometimes having a different perspective can help.

14 August 2023

Sharda*, the day care centre manager at Mangere is great. I’ve been watching her for a while with Aroha. I’ve been watching how they interact and how their relationship is so warm and loving. If Aroha is safe with her, I think I’ll be safe with her.

28 August 2023

I did it! I talked to Sharda!

It was so easy.

When I asked if I could talk to her about something, she invited me in to her office. She was ready to listen. And she made the time to listen.

I was safe with her. I could be vulnerable with her.

She made me feel seen. Heard. She didn’t judge me.

I talked to her about my husband’s drug and gambling addictions, the abuse, and that I’m really scared of him. I mentioned I’m worried for Aroha’s and my safety and that it’s having a huge impact on our family. And I’ve reached a point where I don’t know what to do anymore.

Sharda told me about Te Korowai Mokopuna, a special Barnardos service that ‘wraps the cloak around the child’, combining early learning and family support services in one place. I love this! It’s Maori, is resonates with me, and it provides support for children and their parents.

I had no idea that a day care provided a service like this. They see us parents too. It’s not just about the kids. It’s about the parents too. It makes me feel seen.

I’m meeting the Kaimanaaki Whanau Worker (family support worker), Leah*, tomorrow. These guys don’t waste any time…

29 August 2023

I met with Leah today.

We met in person.

She was ready to listen.

And she made the time to listen. I was safe with her.

I could be vulnerable with her.

She made me feel seen. Heard. She didn’t judge me.

She was just there to awhi (embrace, cherish) me.

Leah said the first thing we needed to do was put a safety plan in place

for me and Aroha. And that we needed to put it straight into action.

She explained that a safety plan is important because it builds barriers for me and Aroha in case the inevitable happens. It covers physical, emotional, and mental safety. It’s a good “barricade”; protecting the parent and child by keeping an unsafe person away. A safety plan is also a good way to tell people you trust about the situation.

It was overwhelming doing the safety plan.

The things it covered made all the fears of the past few years so, real.

Things like, if I’m in immediate danger, can I avoid rooms that don’t have a direct link to the front door?

If I’m in immediate danger, can I avoid rooms with potential weapons?

Have I got an escape route from home and work?

Do I have a bag ready that has everything including my essential documents that me and Aroha will need?

It was frightening to think of all the things I needed to do to keep Aroha and me safe.

Leah told me she knew it was hard, but that it was important to have a safety plan.

Legally, as Aroha’s father, he has rights.

The safety plan means that I can be told if he is around and whether he has been seen at Barnardos in Mangere. I had no idea about these logistics and legalities.

If it wasn’t for Leah, I would have been separated but without a safety plan in place. I would have had no law supporting me and no safety net to back me up.

I needed to do this safety plan.

5 September 2023

Met with Leah again today.

We’re going to meet every week for as long as I want to. Amazing! Another place I went to for help seemed to just want to tick off some boxes and get me out the door. Leah really wants to work through this with me, at my own pace, on my own terms. And, you know what?

I want her to. I am glad I asked Sharda for help.

12 September 2023

Part of the safety plan is to visit a family lawyer. Leah went with me to see her today. She is helping to put a Protection Order and a Parenting Order in place. These can be used to keep him away and prevent him from harming us.

19 September 2023

Leah and I talked about parenting today.

It’s not easy being a solo parent especially with a three year old.

I do feel alone and I struggle to be both parents. It’s a big responsibility and I am feeling overwhelmed.

I am grateful to my whanau for their support. They look after Aroha for me to give me a break. They listen to me. I couldn’t be a parent without them.

But I need a little bit more than family. That’s why Leah has been so important.

She cares but can be pragmatic at the same time.

Leah asked me if I wanted to do a parenting course that Barnardos runs.

She said they’d help me learn new techniques, share experiences with other parents, and build a support network.

I’m not sure. I feel like I’d be judged. Even worse, maybe I’d be the only person there!

I said I would think about it.

5 October 2023

I went to the first parenting course today. It was scary.

But guess what?! They were just as nervous as me! They had similar issues to me. There were lots of solo mums. Some of them my age!

We could all talk and help each other.

I think it’s going to be great.

Today I got to learn about myself. I will also learn strategies to help build a positive relationship with Aroha.

It is so great! I want to be the best parent I can be.

This course will totally help me with that.

6 February 2024

I can’t believe this! Leah gave me a self care package this afternoon.

There was a Kmart voucher in there too. Leah said it was only “something little”. It was huge!

I feel seen. I feel looked after.

I sent Leah a text to thank her. I wanted her to know that the self care package means so much to me and that I definitely had a “full cup” today.

I am so lucky to have her.

5 March 2024

Leah says there’s a second parenting course that I can do.

I’m on the waiting list. I can’t wait…

16 April 2024

Leah and I talked about how important it was for me to look after myself.

I find that hard, I feel guilty, taking time for myself, but Leah’s voice in my head reminds me that I deserve to look after myself.

I write in my journal.

I go on walks and runs.

Spoil myself.

I need this, I deserve this

19 July 2024

It took all my strength to put my pride and ego aside and accept the help that I needed. But I did it, and it has been worthwhile to come out the other side as a better mum, as a better woman.

Leah asked me if I would share my story. Of course I will.

I don’t want to live my old life any more. I want to tell my story to help others not go through what I have been through.

I want to tell my story to let other women know they are not alone. That there is help out there. That they need to receive that help,as much as they can get.

I want to tell my story to give other women the confidence to tell their story too. To let them know that they have something important to share, that their contribution is valuable.

My experience with Sharda, with Leah, with many others on my journey made me feel seen, heard, and not judged.

Now I am confident.

Now I am a great mum.

Now I have a future with a purpose.

Now I stand strong and beautiful.

Claire's Story

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